The Power of No
This lesson has become much more relevant in my own life as I’ve got older. FOMO (fear of missing out) is mostly bullshit. Every decision has an opportunity cost. You cannot build the life, career, business and body you want while saying yes to everyone, every party, every trip, every favour and every shiny new opportunity. At some point, you have to decide what actually matters…
Running a boutique business has brought me all kinds of “opportunities.” About 20 years ago, over roughly five years, I received a lot of television offers. I could have pursued the celebrity-fitness route—being one of the main trainers on the UK version of The Biggest Loser, fronting mainstream fitness videos with Big Brother winners and working on television projects with people such as Katie Price.
FYI, I was once asked to appear in an MTV series with UK glamour model Jodie Marsh at the height of her notoriety! I went to the meeting, and it quickly became clear that it wasn’t only about fitness—the producers wanted me to flirt with her and create some sexual chemistry for viewers… FFS. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should do it – especially on television! I’m sure Jodie is lovely, and it would have been fun to film… but that was another very easy thanks-but-no-thanks meeting to add to my collection.
It could have been a successful path. Perhaps I could have become the next Joe Wicks before Joe Wicks was even a thing! But it wasn’t my path. It didn’t interest or excite me. It didn’t feel like the work I wanted to do, the business I wanted to build.
I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to be, but when it was offered to me, I realised that being a ‘fitness personality’ wasn’t it. Remember, the terms influencer and content creator didn’t exist back then, and it was much easier to get pigeonholed. I secretly wanted to train Olympic gold medallists and Oscar-winning A-listers, and fly around the world to meet princesses and prime ministers. I knew that if I was ever gonna get there, I needed to become a better coach and build some serious credibility… and a dumbed-down television version of me wasn’t gonna help. In fact, it could have damaged the credibility I needed for those still rather vague dreams of my future.
Even when you don’t know exactly where you’re heading, an opportunity can be a useful barometer. Pay attention to how it actually feels. Does it feel interesting, meaningful and like something you genuinely want to move towards… or is it only appealing because it flatters your ego, brings attention or looks impressive to other people? You don’t need to have the entire route mapped out, but you do need enough self-awareness to recognise what feels right—and what doesn’t.
Some people thought I was making a mistake. You might think that was silly and snobby of me. That’s fine. Other people don’t have to understand your decisions because they don’t have to live with the consequences. When you know where you are heading, you have to protect that direction. Focus cannot guarantee success, but constantly letting yourself be pulled towards other people’s priorities is an excellent way to guarantee frustration.
This applies to more than business. If you want to deliberately cultivate the lifestyle, career, relationships and body you want, you need to get comfortable saying, “No, thank you.” Not rudely. Not defensively. Not with a 20-minute explanation designed to make everyone approve of you… Just clearly.
Some people may become annoyed. Let them. A favour may seem like “no big deal” to the person asking. If it genuinely is no big deal for you, wonderful—help them. But if it is gonna consume your time, disrupt your plans or create a problem you then have to solve, you are allowed to decline. You should not automatically have to pay the price for somebody else underestimating the cost to you.
You can be kind, thoughtful, generous and patient without becoming a doormat. In fact, some of the kindest people I know are repeatedly taken advantage of because they are terrified of disappointing anyone. They protect everybody else’s feelings while quietly sacrificing their own time, energy and priorities. That isn’t kindness… it is poor boundary management. Your time matters too.
As you become more successful, more opportunities, invitations and requests will come your way. Some will be brilliant. Some will look brilliant but take you further away from the life you actually want. Wisdom is knowing the difference. High-performance living is not about doing everything. It is about doing the right things—properly, consistently and with intent. That requires discipline… and sometimes it also requires a polite but unapologetic no.
Before you say yes, ask yourself: Does this support the life I am trying to build? What is it really gonna cost me in time, energy and attention? What will receive less of me if I say yes? Would I still want to do it if nobody else knew about it? Am I saying yes because I genuinely want to… or because I’m afraid of disappointing someone?
If the cost is greater than the value, try this: “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m not able to commit to that.”
No elaborate excuse. No invented emergency. No guilt.
You are not missing out… You are choosing deliberately.